The Two Most Important Skills for Marriage
The two most important skills for marriage.
When I was growing up, one of my dad’s favorite phrases was “why can’t people just be nice to each other?”. His belief was that a little kindness would revolutionize relationships, business meetings, and churches. He believed that conflicts would be avoided and problems would be solved if people were simply nice. It turns out, he was right. The leading researchers on marriage agree with him.
Kindness and generosity are the most important skills for marriage
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have devoted their lives to researching and studying what they refer to as the “masters and disasters” of relationships. They found that the most crucial abilities necessary for becoming a master at marriage are kindness and generosity. The reason for this is that kindness and generosity act as antidotes to the deadly elements in a marriage: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (More on these in a later post, but for more information see this article on The Four Horseman).
The keys to being a master in marriage
When contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are present in a marriage, you are on the road to disaster. On the other hand, kindness and generosity build a layer of protection into your relationship. Kindness and generosity create a barrier that counteracts what is bad while simultaneously building what is good. Closeness, trust, marital friendship, and teamwork all depend on kindness and generosity. Do you want to be a master at marriage? If so, as my dad would say, just be nice to each other.
The two most important skills for marriage are simple, but not easy
If being nice sounds simple–it’s because it is. But simple does not mean easy. If there is a culture of defensiveness or criticism in your marriage, it can be extremely difficult to engage in kind and generous behavior towards each other. This is where training for the most important skills for marriage becomes invaluable. Just as a basketball player repetitively practices the fundamentals of passing, shooting, and dribbling; kindness and generosity are fundamental skills that can be practiced in much the same way. As with basketball, these skills are so basic, you will never win at marriage unless you develop them. This takes intentional and repetitive practice.
Kindness and generosity are a muscle
Think of kindness and generosity as a muscle: the more you use them, the stronger they become. It doesn’t take as much effort to lift the same amount of weight 8 weeks into your exercise program as it did in the beginning. It becomes easier and starts to feel more natural. You are able to do more with less. So it is with developing the muscles of kindness and generosity.
Next week, I will give you some practical ways to develop and practice the two most important skills for marriage.